In many family dynamics, there is often one child who stands out as the “golden child”—the one who can do no wrong, who is praised endlessly, and who is held up as the standard for others to follow. On the surface, this may seem like a coveted role, far preferable to being the “black sheep” who faces constant criticism and exclusion. However, beneath the veneer of approval and admiration, the golden child often bears a heavy emotional burden. In many ways, their experience can be as harmful and complex as that of the black sheep.
The Pressure of Perfection
Being the golden child comes with high expectations. The family typically idealizes this child as a representation of everything they value or wish to see in themselves. These expectations may range from academic success to personal behavior, and even to choices about career or relationships. The pressure to maintain this image of perfection is intense. The golden child must not only meet but consistently exceed expectations, which can lead to feelings of anxiety, inadequacy, and self-doubt.
As this child grows up, they may develop an identity that is based more on fulfilling the needs and expectations of others than on their own authentic desires. The pressure to perform can prevent them from exploring who they really are or what truly matters to them. Instead, their worth becomes entangled with their ability to maintain their status within the family.
The Fear of Falling
Another challenge that golden children face is the constant fear of falling from grace. If their worth is based on achievements, good behavior, or conforming to the family’s values, then any mistake or failure feels catastrophic. Unlike the black sheep, who may have internalized the notion that they will never live up to the family’s expectations, the golden child feels the acute weight of those expectations on a daily basis. Even a minor slip can feel like an enormous personal failure, further reinforcing a fear of vulnerability.
This need to uphold their “perfect” image often comes at the cost of authenticity. The golden child may suppress their emotions or personal struggles in order to maintain their image, which can lead to internalized shame and disconnection from their true self.
Enmeshment and Loss of Identity
A golden child is often closely enmeshed with their parents or caregivers, meaning their personal identity becomes interwoven with the needs, values, and desires of the family. In this dynamic, boundaries between the individual and the family become blurred, making it difficult for the golden child to establish autonomy. Their achievements are not simply their own but are a reflection of the family’s success. Conversely, their failures are not just personal but are seen as a reflection of the family’s shortcomings.
This enmeshment can make it difficult for the golden child to establish a sense of self independent from their family. They may struggle with decision-making, personal relationships, or career paths, feeling an obligation to continue meeting the expectations set for them. This can also result in deep-seated resentment and guilt if they eventually break away from the family’s control to pursue their own path.
Strained Relationships with Siblings
The golden child is often held up in contrast to their siblings, particularly the black sheep. This dynamic can create intense sibling rivalry and resentment. The black sheep may feel alienated and unfairly compared, while the golden child may be resented for their position of favor. This comparison undermines healthy sibling relationships, creating emotional distance and competition where there could have been support and understanding.
The golden child may also struggle with feelings of guilt, knowing that their siblings may view them as complicit in the family’s dysfunction, even though they may be just as much a victim of the system. The pressure to remain in the good graces of the family often leaves the golden child feeling trapped between their loyalty to the family and their empathy for their siblings.
Emotional Isolation
Ironically, being the golden child can lead to a sense of emotional isolation. Despite the praise and attention, their true emotions and struggles may go unacknowledged. The family may be so invested in maintaining the idealized image that they fail to recognize the golden child’s need for emotional support. Vulnerability is often discouraged because it conflicts with the ideal of perfection that has been imposed upon them.
Over time, this emotional neglect can result in feelings of loneliness, depression, and an inability to form close, authentic connections with others. The golden child learns to hide their struggles, which only deepens their isolation.
Conclusion: Two Sides of the Same Coin
While the experiences of the golden child and the black sheep may appear to be opposites, they are, in reality, two sides of the same dysfunctional family system. Both roles serve the needs of the family rather than the individual. The black sheep is scapegoated, absorbing the family’s frustrations and insecurities, while the golden child is placed on a pedestal, expected to embody the family’s ideals. Neither role allows for the freedom to be fully seen, heard, or accepted as an authentic individual.
For families to break free from these damaging dynamics, it’s essential to create an environment where all members are valued for who they are, not just for what they achieve or how well they conform to expectations. This means encouraging open communication, emotional support, and the recognition that every family member has the right to grow and change outside the limitations of prescribed roles. Only then can both the golden child and the black sheep find the space to heal and embrace their true selves.
References
Minuchin, Salvador. Families and Family Therapy. Harvard University Press, 1974.
Bradshaw, John. Bradshaw On: The Family. Health Communications, 1996.
Brown, Brené. The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are. Hazelden, 2010.
Walker, Randi Kreger and Margalis Fjelstad. Healing from Family Rifts: Ten Steps to Finding Peace After Being Cut Off from a Family Member. McGraw-Hill, 2007.
Cohen, Darlene Lancer. Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You. Hazelden Publishing, 2014.
Bowen, Murray. Family Therapy in Clinical Practice. Jason Aronson, 1978
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