The holidays can bring out the best in us—and the parts of us we’ve spent years trying to outgrow. For many people who grew up with narcissistic, antagonistic, or emotionally immature parents, the season tends to trigger old roles, old wounds, and old expectations. For those who have experienced narcissistic abuse, these triggers can be particularly challenging to manage.
If you were the “golden child,” the perfectionist, or the one who survived narcissistic family dynamics, you may feel this more than anyone else.
Below is a look at why this happens, how it shows up, and how you can start breaking free from those old patterns.
Growing Up as the “Golden Child”
In narcissistic family systems, children are often split into roles. One common role is the golden child—the high-achiever who makes the parent look good.
You may have been praised for:
- Your accomplishments
- Your emotional maturity
- Your responsibility
- Your ability to keep the peace
- Your tendency to meet everyone else’s needs
But the praise came with strings attached. Your worth was tied to performance, obedience, and emotional caretaking. Love wasn’t unconditional; it had terms.
As an adult, this often grows into perfectionism, people-pleasing, and a relentless fear of disappointing others.
Perfectionism as a Survival Strategy
Perfectionism usually isn’t about wanting things to be “just right” for its own sake. It’s about safety.
Children who grow up in narcissistic or volatile homes learn that:
- Mistakes lead to punishment or emotional withdrawal
- Conflict is dangerous
- Being impressive keeps them valuable
- High achievement buys temporary peace
So perfectionism becomes a shield.
In adulthood, this looks like:
- Holding yourself to impossible standards
- Feeling guilty for resting
- Needing to be “the responsible one”
- Taking care of everyone else
- Struggling with self-criticism and shame
During the holidays, that survival strategy tends to kick into overdrive.
Why the Holidays Trigger Old Wounds
When we return to our family of origin, our bodies often react before our minds do. Even if you’ve spent years healing, familiar dynamics can pull you back into old roles.
Common triggers include:
1. Unspoken Expectations
Family members may assume you’ll handle everything—hosting, organizing, mediating conflict, or being the emotional buffer.
2. Re-entering the Old Role
Even if you’ve grown, your family may still see you as the responsible one, the achiever, or the peacemaker.
3. Subtle or Direct Narcissistic Abuse Behaviors
These can include criticism disguised as concern, comparisons with siblings, dismissive comments, or emotional manipulation.
You may feel the pull to look perfect, act perfect, and keep everyone happy.
5. Grief for the Family You Needed
The holidays highlight the gap between idealized family gatherings and the reality of emotional dysfunction.
All of this can leave you feeling exhausted, anxious, resentful, or numb.
Signs You’re Slipping Back Into Survival Mode
Pay attention if you notice:
- You’re over-functioning
- You feel responsible for how everyone else feels
- You’re hiding parts of yourself
- You’re hyper-vigilant or walking on eggshells
- You “prepare” emotionally before contact
- Your inner critic gets louder
- You dread the holiday instead of looking forward to it
These reactions don’t mean you’re regressing. They mean your nervous system remembers.
How to Protect Your Peace This Holiday Season
1. Name Your Role—Then Step Out of It
Awareness is powerful. Once you notice the golden child/perfectionist role being activated, you can choose a different response.
2. Set Boundaries Before the Visit
Decide ahead of time:
- How long you’ll stay
- What behaviors you won’t engage with
- What tasks you’re actually willing to take on
Give yourself permission to say no, even if it feels unfamiliar.
3. Limit Emotional Labor
You are not the family therapist, caretaker, or mediator. It’s okay to let others handle their own reactions.
4. Prepare a Support Plan
Have:
- A grounding technique
- Someone you can text
- An exit strategy if you need a break
- A plan for decompression afterward
5. Let Go of the Fantasy
Accepting that your family can’t meet you in the ways you need is painful—but it lowers the emotional stakes.
6. Validate Your Younger Self
Remind yourself:
- “I’m safe now.”
- “I don’t owe perfection to anyone.”
- “I don’t have to earn my right to exist.”
Healing happens when the adult you shows up for the child you once were.
Moving Forward: Reclaiming Your Holidays
When you’ve grown up in a narcissistic environment, the holidays can feel less like a celebration and more like a test. But you’re not that trapped child anymore. You get to choose how you show up, what you take on, and how much access others have to your emotional energy.
Your healing may look like:
- Doing less
- Saying no
- Leaving early
- Staying home
- Creating new rituals
- Spending the holiday with chosen family
You’re allowed to build a holiday experience that feels safe and nourishing—one that reflects who you are now, not who you had to be.
If you’re noticing these patterns show up for you this holiday season, support is available. At Future Focus Counselling Center, you can book a free 20-minute complementary consultation to talk through what you’re experiencing and explore whether therapy might be a good fit. You’re welcome to reach out anytime at futurefocustherapist.janeapp.com.
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